im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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