Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
