Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
