When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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