Pants 0. Shit 1.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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