Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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