I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
