Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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