??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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