I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
