I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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