all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
