3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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