I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
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In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
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Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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