She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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