my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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