the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
