Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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