three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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