me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
