What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
