Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
