I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
