I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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