Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
