maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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