I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
