I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
