I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
