What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
