is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
