the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
