guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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