I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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