I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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