Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
