I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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