my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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