I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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