That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
