I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I want to be your penis for a week.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
