I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
