Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
