didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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