tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
