Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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