Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
