She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
