i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
