My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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