you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
