If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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