you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
